Helping Children Cope With Loss, Death, and Grief
August 18, 2008
Tips for Teachers and Parents
Everyone is impacted when a death or tragedy occurs within a school community. The effects can be significant whether it is the loss of a student, parent or staff member. Even highly traumatic or violent deaths of less close individuals, like those we have witnessed in recent years, can have a strong impact. How school personnel handle the crisis can help shape the immediate and longer-term grieving process for students, staff and families. Children, in particular, need the love and support of their teachers and parents in order to cope with their loss and reach constructive grief resolution.
Ten Coping Skills
- Be honest. Above all, make what you say to the child truthful, loving and consistent. Don't tell half-truths hoping to spare the child's feelings.
- Respect the child's right to know. Don't try to protect the child by leaving him out of discussions or refusing to talk about death. That just makes the child feel abandoned and alone.
- Plan the communication about the death. Talk with the child when the child is ready. Talk at the child's eye level. Touch, hug, sit close or hold hands; the child needs nonverbal reassurance too.
- Speak directly. Use the words "die" and "death" to avoid misunderstandings. Avoid cliches like urging the child to "be brave" or "be a big girl about this."
- Go ahead and show emotion. It's OK if your voice quavers or you cry. Assure the child that it's right to share pain, but that you're not upset or angry with the child.
- Explain the cause of death. Few people die at home anymore. So death is more of a mystery than ever. Explain that the person's body stopped working and that there is no more pain.
- Acknowledge questions. A child will have many of them: Why did she die? Where is she now? Many people say frankly, "I don't know. I don't have all the answers but we will try to work them out together." Expect that the child may ask the questions over and over; this is how the child internalizes what has happened.
- If possible, let the child say good-bye with a personal visit or on the telephone. Just make sure both wish the visit to happen. Prepare the child for the sight of the ill person and the sickroom. Never force or coerce the child to visit. In cases of sudden death, you may want to help the child write or dictate a letter to the deceased, expressing thoughts and feelings. The child may wish to place the letter in the coffin.
- Judge funeral attendance by the situation. Gauge the situation by the maturity of the child, the closeness to the deceased and other factors in the situation. The child should be told what to expect (open casket? people crying?) and should be accompanied by a supportive adult. Never force attendance.
- Acknowledge normal grieving. Mourning is not a sign of weakness. It's hard work that takes time. Explain this to a child. Reassure here that the intense, painful hurt will fade into sadness. In the future, she may not feel sad very often at all. Make sure the child feels free at all times to talk about the feelings.
